Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Quiche for the Apocalypse: A Paula Deen Tribute

Q: How do you spend a Saturday Morning?
A: Why, teaching a cooking class of course!

And that's what I did:
Bowls. So full of promise. And....flour.

Q: How do you spend your time AFTER teaching cooking class?
A: Doing more cooking!!!

And that's what I did.

Here's the deal: my Sister was celebrating her first anniversary moving in with one of her closest friends by throwing something called "THE BRUNCH OF EPIC PROPORTIONS". Which involves every breakfast meat you can imagine. Potatoes. Breakfast sweets. And a sh-t ton of mimosas. It's an epicurean delight, 10 times over.

"What can I possibly make to add to this feast?" I wondered.
Then it hit me:

If we're brunching, I'm making quiche. But for an event such as this, we're gonna need man power. We're gonna need street cred. We're gonna need...a quiche for the apocalypse. Inspired by Paula Deen. The one who used to eat butter by the stick and sugar by the bag. The pre-diabetic Paula Deen. Before Women's Day Magazine blasted her MIRACULOUS WEIGHT LOSS on their cover. IT'S CALLED DIABETES, PEOPLE! THAT'S WHAT CAUSES MIRACULOUS WEIGHT LOSS!

Stupid magazine.

Rant over, here's the quiche recipe I made, based off something old Paula Deen used to make. She calls it Hash Brown Quiche. I call mine "Quiche for the Apocalypse".

3 cups shredded frozen hash brown potatoes, thawed and drained
4 tablespoons butter, melted (in memory of old Paula Deen)
3 eggs, beaten
1 cup half and half
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 pound turkey bacon (if you live near a Trader Joe's, GET THEIR TURKEY BACON. NOW.)
1/2 a zucchini, diced
1/4 of an onion, diced
1/4 of a pepper, diced
1 pint grape tomatoes

So, like preheat the oven to 450, right?

You do 2 things:
Take the tomaters, lay them out on 2 sheets of foil, put olive oil on them, salt and pepper them, and wrap them up in the foil tightly.

Melt the butter in a SKIL-LET. Then you take the melted butter and combine it with the potatoes and slap it into a 9" pie plate. You bake that and the tomaters (on their own separate cookie sheet) in the oven for 20-25 minutes, until the taters get brown. Turn the heat down to 350 after that.

The tomaters will be roasted. For the love of god, be careful when opening the foil packet or you'll LOSE YOUR HAND.
 (So purty.)
DON'T TOSS THE BUTTER PAN! You're gonna need it. Return it to medium heat and put the bacon in the butter SKIL-LET:
Then make it look like THIS:
Yeah. That's Nice.

Then you add your diced veggies to the bacon butter pan.
PS: EVERYONE needs a bacon butter pan.

Once those are soft, you take those, and the now chopped up bacon, and the roasted tomaters, and add them to the rest of the stuff in the recipe (the eggs, cheese, half and half).

You get a quiche orgy:
(Please note my lack of thumb nail. Nice.)
Throw the quiche orgy into the hash brown crust and bake at 350 for 30-35 minutes, or until the top is brown and puffy.

There. Done.

Thanks for the memories, Old Paula Deen.

PPS. Don't use a springform (read: cheesecake) pan for this. Turns out when you pour the orgy into the pan to bake, the orgy ends up spilling its love all over your kitchen floor. Eeewww.

Eat the love,

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